Hey WOL Girls...
Please text me 401-226-4983 with your name so I can re-add you to my contacts. My cell needed to be reset & I lost EVERYTHING! :(
thanks!!
Friday, September 3, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Leaving
Hello Readers. I just wanted to let you know I will no longer be blogging here. Another site has captured my heart & has made me feel more at home. I'm sorry it took me so long to decide. I wish everyone the best & I hope to stay in touch via Facebook!
Kason, Rob & I will keep everyone in our thoughts & we appreciate all the love, prayers & support.
Kason, Rob & I will keep everyone in our thoughts & we appreciate all the love, prayers & support.
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Military Wives
I saw this video & heard this song & was moved. Wanted to share the link with all of my super strong sisters who are dealing with this right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuEqAIFmc2Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuEqAIFmc2Y
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Emotional Roller Coaster
I have not posted in a few days & I'll be honest and say why. I'm an emotional wreck & as hard as I try I just can't get myself feeling setteled. I think at its core it's got a lot to do with Kason but now it's pushed out into every area of my life. I feel shaky. I want to pull away from everyone & everything & it's just this huge struggle to get up, get dressed & get on with my day.
I went to dinner at Melting Pot with Candi last night. My favorite place/my best friend. We'd been trying for months & it finally happned. I enjoyed the food/company but I didn't feel like me the entire time. It felt like I was watching it from the outside. I couldnt focus on the moment and just keep myself in it. This is just one example---but it's been the case for awhile now. I've had some really fun days & nights (6 flags was one of them for starters) but as much as I enjoyed them I don't think I enjoyed them as much as I could have or would have under different circumstances. Even take blogging for example. I was loyal to a site & it was a happy part of each of my days. I gave it up for no real reason at all aside from the fact that it wasn't making me happy anymore. Why would something that made me so happy make me feel crappy?
The more I think about this---the more I'm wondering if I'm flat out depressed. It's very common in NICU parents. In fact, out of the girls I'm friendly with there--I believe I'm the only one not getting help via counciling. I keep telling myself depressed people cry, they don't go out, they over-eat or don't eat, they can't function. I'm functioning. I don't cry. I go out & I'm eating/sleeping normally. I don't fit into my definition of depression. But at the same time I'm really not myself.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need help. Or if anything would even help me. I've got tons of support in friendships. Tons of people on my side rooting me along...but that's not enough. Could a stranger who's trained in counceling really help? I've tried talking it out with my closest friends but it dosn't give me any relief. It just makes me feel more confused, sad or guilty for feeling & thinking the way I'm feeling & thinking.
I don't even know what I WANT when it comes to Kason. Everythings so back & forth. Here are some examples:
* I am deeply saddened by him being hospitalized for so long. I feel like I'm missing out on everything normal mom's get to experience. I feel like I can't relate to anyone--because nobodys really been where I am. I've spent 4 months of my life in what feels like emotional hell. I hate when people ask me when he's coming home more than anything. BUT...I also feel sad at the thought of him coming home. After Rob's 2 weeks--it's just me & the baby. I won't have the freedom to go out anymore. I won't have built in babysitters. I won't have free time. I won't have doctors, nurses, other moms, march of dimes people to chat with.
* I love the feeling I get when a friend sends me a card, a nice email, or tells me how strong they think I am and how supportive they are of me and everything. It makes me smile. Gives me hope & reminds me I can do this. BUT---I also realize they feel sorry for me. I'm THAT girl who got the crappy hand in life & who nobody wants to be. I throw up that emotional guard that says "you can't show people how tough this really is. You've gotta act like you can keep your cool". I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me.
Those are just two examples. I could write out tons of them. Everything is just so conflicted. I want to believe that at some point an end is going to come to this. At some point he'll be home & all this emotional abuse will end. But everytime it seems like we're close enough to see the light at the end something happens & it feels like we're starting over.
The only way I've gotten thru it this far is by telling myself to take it day by day. Telling myself to cuddle my son, play with him, soak up each smile, kiss, and snuggle. When I come out of the day by day world and open my eyes to realize how long this has been happening & how much longer its going to happen I just can't deal the sadness from all of it. It becomes way too much to bare. I just need a break. I've been praying like crazy for one but it never seems to come.
I'm sorry this post is so down. I'll try my best to shake myself off & get out of this funk. I hate being like this & I know people hate seeing me like this. Thanks for giving me a "safe place" I can come and let it all hang out.
I went to dinner at Melting Pot with Candi last night. My favorite place/my best friend. We'd been trying for months & it finally happned. I enjoyed the food/company but I didn't feel like me the entire time. It felt like I was watching it from the outside. I couldnt focus on the moment and just keep myself in it. This is just one example---but it's been the case for awhile now. I've had some really fun days & nights (6 flags was one of them for starters) but as much as I enjoyed them I don't think I enjoyed them as much as I could have or would have under different circumstances. Even take blogging for example. I was loyal to a site & it was a happy part of each of my days. I gave it up for no real reason at all aside from the fact that it wasn't making me happy anymore. Why would something that made me so happy make me feel crappy?
The more I think about this---the more I'm wondering if I'm flat out depressed. It's very common in NICU parents. In fact, out of the girls I'm friendly with there--I believe I'm the only one not getting help via counciling. I keep telling myself depressed people cry, they don't go out, they over-eat or don't eat, they can't function. I'm functioning. I don't cry. I go out & I'm eating/sleeping normally. I don't fit into my definition of depression. But at the same time I'm really not myself.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need help. Or if anything would even help me. I've got tons of support in friendships. Tons of people on my side rooting me along...but that's not enough. Could a stranger who's trained in counceling really help? I've tried talking it out with my closest friends but it dosn't give me any relief. It just makes me feel more confused, sad or guilty for feeling & thinking the way I'm feeling & thinking.
I don't even know what I WANT when it comes to Kason. Everythings so back & forth. Here are some examples:
* I am deeply saddened by him being hospitalized for so long. I feel like I'm missing out on everything normal mom's get to experience. I feel like I can't relate to anyone--because nobodys really been where I am. I've spent 4 months of my life in what feels like emotional hell. I hate when people ask me when he's coming home more than anything. BUT...I also feel sad at the thought of him coming home. After Rob's 2 weeks--it's just me & the baby. I won't have the freedom to go out anymore. I won't have built in babysitters. I won't have free time. I won't have doctors, nurses, other moms, march of dimes people to chat with.
* I love the feeling I get when a friend sends me a card, a nice email, or tells me how strong they think I am and how supportive they are of me and everything. It makes me smile. Gives me hope & reminds me I can do this. BUT---I also realize they feel sorry for me. I'm THAT girl who got the crappy hand in life & who nobody wants to be. I throw up that emotional guard that says "you can't show people how tough this really is. You've gotta act like you can keep your cool". I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me.
Those are just two examples. I could write out tons of them. Everything is just so conflicted. I want to believe that at some point an end is going to come to this. At some point he'll be home & all this emotional abuse will end. But everytime it seems like we're close enough to see the light at the end something happens & it feels like we're starting over.
The only way I've gotten thru it this far is by telling myself to take it day by day. Telling myself to cuddle my son, play with him, soak up each smile, kiss, and snuggle. When I come out of the day by day world and open my eyes to realize how long this has been happening & how much longer its going to happen I just can't deal the sadness from all of it. It becomes way too much to bare. I just need a break. I've been praying like crazy for one but it never seems to come.
I'm sorry this post is so down. I'll try my best to shake myself off & get out of this funk. I hate being like this & I know people hate seeing me like this. Thanks for giving me a "safe place" I can come and let it all hang out.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Check, Check, Check
It seems like these days my life is filled with lots & lots of check marks! The hosptial has us checking off a list. CPR & Discharge classes (check, check), learn to give meds (check), and proper feeds (check) sheesh! We still have to take a class on his oxygen products once they are ordered & spend two nights overnight with him when that happens. Oh, and we need the car seat installed properly which we're told the Valet guys do at the hospital.
We've also got big at home check marks we need completed. Our basement is mold free, has new walls up & is painted. It's just trim and then the hardwoods and we're done. That's been a long journey. Flooding sucks!! Once its "finished" we need to move all our nice stuff out of the junk room & into the living space. Then, we've gotta move all my arts and crafts stuff (I've got tons) into the basement so we have a free play room upstairs.
We also have to decide if we're going to let Kason sleep in his nursery---OR if we're going to move his crib into our room so we can watch him like a hawk at all times for the first few months. I posted our delima on a preemie board today so we'll see what types of advice I get. We do have a bassinet & he's still small enough for it---but Kason is almost 2 months mentally. He moves around a lot & is active. We think his crib is a much better idea.
I've also got a big LIFE check mark tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to 6 flags. It checks off the "spend quality time w/a lot of friends" box I've been meaning to get around to, and the " Enjoy the summer" box too. I'm sort of dreading being away from Kason for the entire day at this point--but I've got to do this for myself & my friends. I think I'd regret it if I didnt.
I guess w/a baby my check-list will always be never ending! I'm really starting to realize just how hard life is going to be once he's home. I mean its hard now---but I've got sooo much help with him. Within a month I could be completely on my own!! Luckily, I'm pretty confident that I can handle stress!! :)
We've also got big at home check marks we need completed. Our basement is mold free, has new walls up & is painted. It's just trim and then the hardwoods and we're done. That's been a long journey. Flooding sucks!! Once its "finished" we need to move all our nice stuff out of the junk room & into the living space. Then, we've gotta move all my arts and crafts stuff (I've got tons) into the basement so we have a free play room upstairs.
We also have to decide if we're going to let Kason sleep in his nursery---OR if we're going to move his crib into our room so we can watch him like a hawk at all times for the first few months. I posted our delima on a preemie board today so we'll see what types of advice I get. We do have a bassinet & he's still small enough for it---but Kason is almost 2 months mentally. He moves around a lot & is active. We think his crib is a much better idea.
I've also got a big LIFE check mark tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to 6 flags. It checks off the "spend quality time w/a lot of friends" box I've been meaning to get around to, and the " Enjoy the summer" box too. I'm sort of dreading being away from Kason for the entire day at this point--but I've got to do this for myself & my friends. I think I'd regret it if I didnt.
I guess w/a baby my check-list will always be never ending! I'm really starting to realize just how hard life is going to be once he's home. I mean its hard now---but I've got sooo much help with him. Within a month I could be completely on my own!! Luckily, I'm pretty confident that I can handle stress!! :)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Feel Good Friday
Here are my 5 "Happy" things from this week!
1) Bekah booked her flight! She will be down visiting in just a few weeks!
2) Kason's on the lowest level oxygen machine. This is the same tank he can come home on as long as he consistantly does well on it.
3) For the first time in our 115 day NICU stay we heard the word "discharge"
4) Today is Design a Onsie Day @ the NICU! So much fun!
5) Rob took the day off. He's been missing Kase & I so we're spending a family day together!
1) Bekah booked her flight! She will be down visiting in just a few weeks!
2) Kason's on the lowest level oxygen machine. This is the same tank he can come home on as long as he consistantly does well on it.
3) For the first time in our 115 day NICU stay we heard the word "discharge"
4) Today is Design a Onsie Day @ the NICU! So much fun!
5) Rob took the day off. He's been missing Kase & I so we're spending a family day together!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Cooking
I hate admitting this but---Cooking has always been a dreaded thing for me. Neither of my parents liked to cook. Growing up we usually had the same few meals over and over again to get us through the weekdays. We had a pizza night on fridays where they'd order pizza instead of making it. We'd eat out on Saturday nights too---and on Sunday's it was off to grandma's for dinner. Since I never was exposed to a lot of new things as a kid...I became a very fussy eater. As an adult I've tried a ton of new things---but as yummy as they look I just can't get past the taste of them.
When I moved to my first apartment with my ex I tried learning a few new recipies. He didn't like anything new that I tried---so we fell into the same bad habits my parents taught me. I started doubting my abilities as a cook & I became nervous about the whole thing. It brought me a weird type of anxiety. The following year we rented a condo type house & had a my good friend as a roommate. He was an amazing cook & loved doing it. I took the super lazy way out--and while my ex & I did other various things--our roommate did 80% of the cooking!
Fast Forward to a year later. Rob & I are living with my dad to try and help my brother & him out. Rob likes to cook & we started trying simple things together. Pasta dishes, Ribs, Steaks---ect. It was nice...but basic. The next year we bought our house---and with deployments, the wedding and pregnancy---we were always busy, exhausted, and just plain lazy. We went out to eat a lot. (Way to much) and we started buying a lot of pre-done meals. We did cook here & there but not anywhere near what we should have.
That brings me to now. We're on a VERY tight budget so pizza nights & going out are a thing of the past. I'm forced to cook & the more I do it---the more confident I'm getting. I like cooking. I'm good at cooking. I can honestly say that now. I feel like most of the things I make are not only better for us---but they taste better than anything I could order out. I won't lie though---the NICU life does pose a big challenge. I usually have a very limited amount of time--so I still cook fairly simple dishes for the most part but I do try and make a few amazing ones every week. I honestly can't wait till Kasons home & I have the day to prep things inbetween caring for him. :) I'm really excited about this new adventure I'm on & my new love for it.
It's pretty silly to have a "cooking anxiety" and I can see that now. I wish I never had those experiences with my ex & that my mom had given me more confidence in this area at a young age. I can only hope that I'll set a much better example for my children! :)
When I moved to my first apartment with my ex I tried learning a few new recipies. He didn't like anything new that I tried---so we fell into the same bad habits my parents taught me. I started doubting my abilities as a cook & I became nervous about the whole thing. It brought me a weird type of anxiety. The following year we rented a condo type house & had a my good friend as a roommate. He was an amazing cook & loved doing it. I took the super lazy way out--and while my ex & I did other various things--our roommate did 80% of the cooking!
Fast Forward to a year later. Rob & I are living with my dad to try and help my brother & him out. Rob likes to cook & we started trying simple things together. Pasta dishes, Ribs, Steaks---ect. It was nice...but basic. The next year we bought our house---and with deployments, the wedding and pregnancy---we were always busy, exhausted, and just plain lazy. We went out to eat a lot. (Way to much) and we started buying a lot of pre-done meals. We did cook here & there but not anywhere near what we should have.
That brings me to now. We're on a VERY tight budget so pizza nights & going out are a thing of the past. I'm forced to cook & the more I do it---the more confident I'm getting. I like cooking. I'm good at cooking. I can honestly say that now. I feel like most of the things I make are not only better for us---but they taste better than anything I could order out. I won't lie though---the NICU life does pose a big challenge. I usually have a very limited amount of time--so I still cook fairly simple dishes for the most part but I do try and make a few amazing ones every week. I honestly can't wait till Kasons home & I have the day to prep things inbetween caring for him. :) I'm really excited about this new adventure I'm on & my new love for it.
It's pretty silly to have a "cooking anxiety" and I can see that now. I wish I never had those experiences with my ex & that my mom had given me more confidence in this area at a young age. I can only hope that I'll set a much better example for my children! :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)