Emotional Roller Coaster

I have not posted in a few days & I'll be honest and say why. I'm an emotional wreck & as hard as I try I just can't get myself feeling setteled. I think at its core it's got a lot to do with Kason but now it's pushed out into every area of my life. I feel shaky. I want to pull away from everyone & everything & it's just this huge struggle to get up, get dressed & get on with my day.

I went to dinner at Melting Pot with Candi last night. My favorite place/my best friend. We'd been trying for months & it finally happned. I enjoyed the food/company but I didn't feel like me the entire time. It felt like I was watching it from the outside. I couldnt focus on the moment and just keep myself in it. This is just one example---but it's been the case for awhile now. I've had some really fun days & nights (6 flags was one of them for starters) but as much as I enjoyed them I don't think I enjoyed them as much as I could have or would have under different circumstances. Even take blogging for example. I was loyal to a site & it was a happy part of each of my days. I gave it up for no real reason at all aside from the fact that it wasn't making me happy anymore. Why would something that made me so happy make me feel crappy?

The more I think about this---the more I'm wondering if I'm flat out depressed. It's very common in NICU parents. In fact, out of the girls I'm friendly with there--I believe I'm the only one not getting help via counciling. I keep telling myself depressed people cry, they don't go out, they over-eat or don't eat, they can't function. I'm functioning. I don't cry. I go out & I'm eating/sleeping normally. I don't fit into my definition of depression. But at the same time I'm really not myself.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need help. Or if anything would even help me. I've got tons of support in friendships. Tons of people on my side rooting me along...but that's not enough. Could a stranger who's trained in counceling really help? I've tried talking it out with my closest friends but it dosn't give me any relief. It just makes me feel more confused, sad or guilty for feeling & thinking the way I'm feeling & thinking.

I don't even know what I WANT when it comes to Kason. Everythings so back & forth. Here are some examples:

* I am deeply saddened by him being hospitalized for so long. I feel like I'm missing out on everything normal mom's get to experience. I feel like I can't relate to anyone--because nobodys really been where I am. I've spent 4 months of my life in what feels like emotional hell. I hate when people ask me when he's coming home more than anything. BUT...I also feel sad at the thought of him coming home. After Rob's 2 weeks--it's just me & the baby. I won't have the freedom to go out anymore. I won't have built in babysitters. I won't have free time. I won't have doctors, nurses, other moms, march of dimes people to chat with.

* I love the feeling I get when a friend sends me a card, a nice email, or tells me how strong they think I am and how supportive they are of me and everything. It makes me smile. Gives me hope & reminds me I can do this. BUT---I also realize they feel sorry for me. I'm THAT girl who got the crappy hand in life & who nobody wants to be. I throw up that emotional guard that says "you can't show people how tough this really is. You've gotta act like you can keep your cool". I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me.

Those are just two examples. I could write out tons of them. Everything is just so conflicted. I want to believe that at some point an end is going to come to this. At some point he'll be home & all this emotional abuse will end. But everytime it seems like we're close enough to see the light at the end something happens & it feels like we're starting over.

The only way I've gotten thru it this far is by telling myself to take it day by day. Telling myself to cuddle my son, play with him, soak up each smile, kiss, and snuggle. When I come out of the day by day world and open my eyes to realize how long this has been happening & how much longer its going to happen I just can't deal the sadness from all of it. It becomes way too much to bare. I just need a break. I've been praying like crazy for one but it never seems to come.

I'm sorry this post is so down. I'll try my best to shake myself off & get out of this funk. I hate being like this & I know people hate seeing me like this. Thanks for giving me a "safe place" I can come and let it all hang out.