Wow! If I thought last Saturday was a rough day I had no idea. This week has been very intense. Kasons doing a bit better in some areas & a bit worse in others. It's so very back & forth. While a HUGE chunk of me can't wait for him to finally be coming home there's still that small side of me thats really going to miss the nurses that I love & just being around people. Once I'm home it's just Kason & I....so I'm going to need some major hobbies!
Anyways, the big thing is that my grandmother (moms mother) is now down to 80lbs. She's only eating sweets & shakes. The doctors keep telling us she does not have much longer to live. She's had alzhimers a few years now so I've been grieving for years over losing her..It's just becoming so final now. On the other side of the coin...My father called with an update on my other grandmother (his mother). She recently had a heart attack. They had scheduled her for heart surgery but I guess she's been barely able to pass the tests they have given her. Now the big question is: will she even live through the surgery?! The decision will be made on Monday as to if they will send her to Hospice to die OR try the surgery. This grandma's situation is completely different & I am totally not prepared to lose her. It's so....sudden.
Growing up I was much closer to my mom's mom. My mom is an only child so my bro & I are her only grandkids. We had so much fun together. On my dad's side I have 9 other cousins who share that grandma. I've always been around her growing up but I've gotten MUCH closer to her in the past 10 years.The pain of losing one grandparent is hard to bare (I lost both grandfathers in my pre-teen years) but losing 2 with days or weeks of each other seems unimaginable.
I think the worst part of all of this though---is Kason. My dad's mother DID get to see him twice but we never took pictures as Kason was plenty sick. She never got to hold him. My mom's mother never got to meet him at all. He is the only great-grandchild on BOTH sides. I feel GUILTY. If I could have had a normal pregnancy they both would have been able to spend time with him. This whole situation would be different, easier...perhaps even happier. I know Kasons condition isn't my fault but sometimes I can't help but feel sad about it. I've prayed like crazy to my grandfathers begging them to help with Kason & his lungs. I've been begging them even more to help him get out of here with enough time to be held by each great grandmother. I'd doubtful that either one will get to hold him. I know my grandfathers watch over Kason. I can feel them here around me (Ask about this another time). Maybe they both just want their wives back with them in heaven?
I've cried a lot on family & friends about this. It's just the circle of life. Kason's a miracle baby. He's new. Its a fresh new life. A new generation. A new member to carry out our life-line. My grandmothers both lived full lives and it's time for them to depart--knowing their memory will be held onto by yet another generation. While I grieve...I must also keep an open heart. I have to celebrate their lives & while finding comfort in the miracle of Kason's life.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Blogger Help
Since I've decided to stay here I need some help!
How do I make my blog all pretty like everyone elses?
I'm seeing a trend with wordless Wed. I'm going to try and follow that rule. I think it would be fun for me since I'm such a chatter/writer/talker. I can try and express myself in a more artistic way.
What is Feel Good Friday all about?!
Thanks Friends!
How do I make my blog all pretty like everyone elses?
I'm seeing a trend with wordless Wed. I'm going to try and follow that rule. I think it would be fun for me since I'm such a chatter/writer/talker. I can try and express myself in a more artistic way.
What is Feel Good Friday all about?!
Thanks Friends!
This Week
This week has been a total emotional rollercoaster. Kasons progress has been fantastic but he'll be coming off the steriods he's on tomorrow & the doctors fear that he'll be back to his old ways. I am trying to stay as positive as possible. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel from where we are now. If his condition goes back to where it was (or even worse) once he's off of them I'm really not sure how we'll be able to deal. This whole experience is taking its toll on me mentally & physically.
Since he's doing better for the first time it actually hit me that no matter how long this feels or lasts--it's not going to be forever. Eventually we'll have our son home & a normal life. Of course we Knew that--but the longer you stay in the NICU the harder it is to see the end. Life there just becomes the norm. It was nice to think about our son eventually being normal.
On top of all the madness neither of my living grandparents are doing well. It makes me even more angry that Kasons sick. If he wasn't I'd have the time to go visit them more. I could bring him with me & they could each spend time with their only great-grandson. I honestly believe my moms mother won't live past when Kasons home. Now, I worry about my dad's mother. With both of them so sick...I could literally lose them within days of each other. I'm really close to them & that would just kill me.
It's so hard to find/keep faith when everything is piling up on me. People say God dosnt give us more than we can handle. I used to say that. I used to believe it. I'm pretty close to giving up. Locking myself in my room & just sleeping until the time comes that Kason can come home. I'm at that point where I keep throwing my hands up and saying "please take the wheel" but nothing seems to change or get easier. For the first time in my 27 years I'm doubting my faith & it sucks because nows the time I probably need it the most.
It's been a crazy/emotional/ tear filled week. I really don't have much planned for this weekend coming up or anything fun during the week. I hope I can find something even tiny to look forward to so I can pick myself up & keep moving forward.
Since he's doing better for the first time it actually hit me that no matter how long this feels or lasts--it's not going to be forever. Eventually we'll have our son home & a normal life. Of course we Knew that--but the longer you stay in the NICU the harder it is to see the end. Life there just becomes the norm. It was nice to think about our son eventually being normal.
On top of all the madness neither of my living grandparents are doing well. It makes me even more angry that Kasons sick. If he wasn't I'd have the time to go visit them more. I could bring him with me & they could each spend time with their only great-grandson. I honestly believe my moms mother won't live past when Kasons home. Now, I worry about my dad's mother. With both of them so sick...I could literally lose them within days of each other. I'm really close to them & that would just kill me.
It's so hard to find/keep faith when everything is piling up on me. People say God dosnt give us more than we can handle. I used to say that. I used to believe it. I'm pretty close to giving up. Locking myself in my room & just sleeping until the time comes that Kason can come home. I'm at that point where I keep throwing my hands up and saying "please take the wheel" but nothing seems to change or get easier. For the first time in my 27 years I'm doubting my faith & it sucks because nows the time I probably need it the most.
It's been a crazy/emotional/ tear filled week. I really don't have much planned for this weekend coming up or anything fun during the week. I hope I can find something even tiny to look forward to so I can pick myself up & keep moving forward.
Monday, July 26, 2010
Hope Within Chaos
Saturday Night was a night I had been looking forward to for weeks. I had my dress, made sure my husband could be with my son, worked my butt off to finish all my projects for work & was super excited to go out on the town. The plan was to go to Plymouth, Ma to go to dinner & and dancing with a group of girls for our friends birthday. Everyone was excited so how did I end up in the middle of the street telling my friends I wanted to be hit by a car?! Of course I wasn't serious, was I? Probably not but in that moment I realized for the first time why someone could be brough to that point.
Let's start with earlier in the day. We went to visit my son. He's on this steriod treatment which is pretty much our only hope of getting him home within a month. If this does not work we are most likely looking at a 6+ month NICU stay. He's been doing amazing with the treatment so we've been impressed. In walks the doctor. He tells us he's not all that impressed at all. He seems to think we should start coming to terms with/accepting our son is going to be there even longer. We've done well--considering he's been there 3 months. I give all the credit to a good support system & marrying the right person but exhaustion is kicking in. We're tired, losing hope & fighting over the smallest of things. We need a break. Even after this blow...I remained hopeful for a good night.
It's 5:30pm & the girls & I are stuck in traffic right near my house. We're complaining on how it's going to make us late since there is no end in sight. My phone rings & it's my brother.. He asks where I am. I tell him in traffic & he's like "have you talked to mom?". My first reaction is panic for my grandmother (mom's mom) who's got severe alzhimers & was told she's got weeks to live since she can't even remember to swollow. Instead he tells me that my mom was part of the 4 car crash that is holding us up. He's almost at her but he has no idea if she's hurt or the damage because when she called him she was panicked & not making sense. We sit in traffic--me freaking out--for a half hour more before getting to the scene. We see the cars (totaled) but not my mom. Brother calls to say she's got bumps and brusies and is sore but she's okay. I talk to her & she's emotionally a mess but otherwise okay. She tells me to go on with my night as planned. I do.
1 Lady Gaga cd later we're at our destination. We're walking to the resturant when my dad calls. My parents are divorced so I know he's clueless as to the car accident. I answer & he tells me he's calling to let me know my grandmother (his mom) got rushed to the hospital & is admitted. She's having issues breathing. All of this was too much for one day. I see the street. I see my friends & I decide that even after all the looking forward to I'd done for this night---the street & being hit by a car was a better idea.
Thankfully, friends come to the recuse with hugs & support. There's a lot of talk of my adorable son & how much he needs me. There's the promise of dinner & a good night ahead. I shake it all off and put myself in their hands. 2 hours & a few margarita's later I'm down at the famous Plymouth Rock singing the Fraggle Rock theme song. 2 hours after that I'm dancing with friends and strangers having a blast.
On the drive home I realize that looking at everything is extreamly overwhelming. When I think of each piece indivdually it seems so much more bareable. I don't feel guilty that I had a great night. I give myself credit for staying the moment & allowing myself to live my own life with little regret. Despite all the hard things going on right now I'm still standing. I guess I'm far stronger than I give myself credit for---and I find small hope in that.
Let's start with earlier in the day. We went to visit my son. He's on this steriod treatment which is pretty much our only hope of getting him home within a month. If this does not work we are most likely looking at a 6+ month NICU stay. He's been doing amazing with the treatment so we've been impressed. In walks the doctor. He tells us he's not all that impressed at all. He seems to think we should start coming to terms with/accepting our son is going to be there even longer. We've done well--considering he's been there 3 months. I give all the credit to a good support system & marrying the right person but exhaustion is kicking in. We're tired, losing hope & fighting over the smallest of things. We need a break. Even after this blow...I remained hopeful for a good night.
It's 5:30pm & the girls & I are stuck in traffic right near my house. We're complaining on how it's going to make us late since there is no end in sight. My phone rings & it's my brother.. He asks where I am. I tell him in traffic & he's like "have you talked to mom?". My first reaction is panic for my grandmother (mom's mom) who's got severe alzhimers & was told she's got weeks to live since she can't even remember to swollow. Instead he tells me that my mom was part of the 4 car crash that is holding us up. He's almost at her but he has no idea if she's hurt or the damage because when she called him she was panicked & not making sense. We sit in traffic--me freaking out--for a half hour more before getting to the scene. We see the cars (totaled) but not my mom. Brother calls to say she's got bumps and brusies and is sore but she's okay. I talk to her & she's emotionally a mess but otherwise okay. She tells me to go on with my night as planned. I do.
1 Lady Gaga cd later we're at our destination. We're walking to the resturant when my dad calls. My parents are divorced so I know he's clueless as to the car accident. I answer & he tells me he's calling to let me know my grandmother (his mom) got rushed to the hospital & is admitted. She's having issues breathing. All of this was too much for one day. I see the street. I see my friends & I decide that even after all the looking forward to I'd done for this night---the street & being hit by a car was a better idea.
Thankfully, friends come to the recuse with hugs & support. There's a lot of talk of my adorable son & how much he needs me. There's the promise of dinner & a good night ahead. I shake it all off and put myself in their hands. 2 hours & a few margarita's later I'm down at the famous Plymouth Rock singing the Fraggle Rock theme song. 2 hours after that I'm dancing with friends and strangers having a blast.
On the drive home I realize that looking at everything is extreamly overwhelming. When I think of each piece indivdually it seems so much more bareable. I don't feel guilty that I had a great night. I give myself credit for staying the moment & allowing myself to live my own life with little regret. Despite all the hard things going on right now I'm still standing. I guess I'm far stronger than I give myself credit for---and I find small hope in that.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Funny Funny.
Here are some video's on YouTube that always make me laugh.
For Cat owners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ffwDYo00Q&feature=channel
For Married Folks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmnIO5jYzJo
For Anyone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5woNs9WRE
Totally hilarious-- Makes me almost pee my pants anytime I watch it. (may be inappropriate for some)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bhqq3N8MegI
And finally...my favorite one. This is for my RI-Boston friends. This guys accent is THE BEST ever. I will warn that it's fairly vulgar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADqAWUoVtbs
For Cat owners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ffwDYo00Q&feature=channel
For Married Folks
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmnIO5jYzJo
For Anyone
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5woNs9WRE
Totally hilarious-- Makes me almost pee my pants anytime I watch it. (may be inappropriate for some)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bhqq3N8MegI
And finally...my favorite one. This is for my RI-Boston friends. This guys accent is THE BEST ever. I will warn that it's fairly vulgar.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADqAWUoVtbs
Friends
Friends are wonderful. I really don't know where I'd be without mine. I love how excited I feel the entire day when I know we're going out on the town that night. It's nice to know that when I want to vent about the dirty looks someone gave me, traffic, work, relationship issues, that really cute outfit I'd never get my butt into because of my love of ice cream, or even just how ordinary my day is...somebody will be there to listen to me. :) It's amazing how an inside joke can make you giggle, a song on the radio can lead to phone calls, and how comforting a hug can be.
I enjoy every type of friend out there. The best friend who I can't go a day without calling. The long distance friends who always find a way to make it seem like we're so much closer than we really are. The friends you can have all night crying, drinking wine, laughing and venting with. The friends you know who will always lift your spirits by getting you off your miserable butt & making you go out on the town.
No matter how well you feel like you know your friends sometimes they can surprise you. Sometimes you check your mail & find a supportive card or letter. Sometimes they'll say "dinner is on me this time". Sometimes your friend will send you the most perfect book without even knowing how perfect it is. Sometimes they remember something you tought for sure they would have forgotten. Sometimes a kind email can come in unexpectedly but also at the most perfect time ever.
I've been going through some really hard times these past few months & the ways my friends have pulled through for me has been impressive. I'm deeply touched by the support and generousity I have been given. I've always known friendship was an amazing thing but now I know just how valuable of a gift it really is.
I enjoy every type of friend out there. The best friend who I can't go a day without calling. The long distance friends who always find a way to make it seem like we're so much closer than we really are. The friends you can have all night crying, drinking wine, laughing and venting with. The friends you know who will always lift your spirits by getting you off your miserable butt & making you go out on the town.
No matter how well you feel like you know your friends sometimes they can surprise you. Sometimes you check your mail & find a supportive card or letter. Sometimes they'll say "dinner is on me this time". Sometimes your friend will send you the most perfect book without even knowing how perfect it is. Sometimes they remember something you tought for sure they would have forgotten. Sometimes a kind email can come in unexpectedly but also at the most perfect time ever.
I've been going through some really hard times these past few months & the ways my friends have pulled through for me has been impressive. I'm deeply touched by the support and generousity I have been given. I've always known friendship was an amazing thing but now I know just how valuable of a gift it really is.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Hello World
I started on a quest to find a new place to blog my thoughts. I asked around for suggestions as to where I should blog & the winner was Blogger so here I am.
I'm sure if your reading this that you already know all the basics about me. 27, Rhode Island, Married, Kason, works in her Pj's for her mom's ebay company, reality tv junkie, chatterbox..ect. So I'm going to tell you some things you may not know about me & get this blog party started.
* I'm eating nacho cheese doritos & drinking a coke as I type this. It's one of my most favorite combo's in the world. Yes, I know how many calories it is & I don't care. I like it & it makes me happy.
* I'm obessed with Live Music. I love feeling the rush & the passion & just being part of something great. I don't care if it's at a sold out arena with my friends or just my husband & I listing to an indie or cover band at a bar. I love it all. It would take me days to create a full list of how many concerts I've been to. If I could put all the money I've spent on concerts into a jar I'd probably have a decent down payment on a car.
* I love being a mom. I always knew I'd be good at it but I never could have ever imagined how amazing it feels. I feel blessed. I am thankful for my amazing husband & all the hard work he does so that I can be home spending all of my time with our son.
* I am phobic of Mayo. I refuse to touch the jar. I won't look at a person if they are eating something with it. If I do happen to see it I will get sick & it won't be a pretty situation.
* My dream vacation would be to go to ST. Lucia with just my husband & I. 2nd to that would be a cruise with a good group of friends. It does not matter where we'd go.
* I'm doing the Project 101 in 1001 & I'm actually doing a pretty good job keeping up with my list.
Sadly, Kason needs me so that will have to be it for my first entry. I promise I'll try to make my entries as entertaining as possible!
I'm sure if your reading this that you already know all the basics about me. 27, Rhode Island, Married, Kason, works in her Pj's for her mom's ebay company, reality tv junkie, chatterbox..ect. So I'm going to tell you some things you may not know about me & get this blog party started.
* I'm eating nacho cheese doritos & drinking a coke as I type this. It's one of my most favorite combo's in the world. Yes, I know how many calories it is & I don't care. I like it & it makes me happy.
* I'm obessed with Live Music. I love feeling the rush & the passion & just being part of something great. I don't care if it's at a sold out arena with my friends or just my husband & I listing to an indie or cover band at a bar. I love it all. It would take me days to create a full list of how many concerts I've been to. If I could put all the money I've spent on concerts into a jar I'd probably have a decent down payment on a car.
* I love being a mom. I always knew I'd be good at it but I never could have ever imagined how amazing it feels. I feel blessed. I am thankful for my amazing husband & all the hard work he does so that I can be home spending all of my time with our son.
* I am phobic of Mayo. I refuse to touch the jar. I won't look at a person if they are eating something with it. If I do happen to see it I will get sick & it won't be a pretty situation.
* My dream vacation would be to go to ST. Lucia with just my husband & I. 2nd to that would be a cruise with a good group of friends. It does not matter where we'd go.
* I'm doing the Project 101 in 1001 & I'm actually doing a pretty good job keeping up with my list.
Sadly, Kason needs me so that will have to be it for my first entry. I promise I'll try to make my entries as entertaining as possible!
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