Circle of Life?!

Wow! If I thought last Saturday was a rough day I had no idea. This week has been very intense. Kasons doing a bit better in some areas & a bit worse in others. It's so very back & forth. While a HUGE chunk of me can't wait for him to finally be coming home there's still that small side of me thats really going to miss the nurses that I love & just being around people. Once I'm home it's just Kason & I....so I'm going to need some major hobbies!

Anyways, the big thing is that my grandmother (moms mother) is now down to 80lbs. She's only eating sweets & shakes. The doctors keep telling us she does not have much longer to live. She's had alzhimers a few years now so I've been grieving for years over losing her..It's just becoming so final now. On the other side of the coin...My father called with an update on my other grandmother (his mother). She recently had a heart attack. They had scheduled her for heart surgery but I guess she's been barely able to pass the tests they have given her. Now the big question is: will she even live through the surgery?! The decision will be made on Monday as to if they will send her to Hospice to die OR try the surgery. This grandma's situation is completely different & I am totally not prepared to lose her. It's so....sudden.

Growing up I was much closer to my mom's mom. My mom is an only child so my bro & I are her only grandkids. We had so much fun together. On my dad's side I have 9 other cousins who share that grandma. I've always been around her growing up but I've gotten MUCH closer to her in the past 10 years.The pain of losing one grandparent is hard to bare (I lost both grandfathers in my pre-teen years) but losing 2 with days or weeks of each other seems unimaginable.

I think the worst part of all of this though---is Kason. My dad's mother DID get to see him twice but we never took pictures as Kason was plenty sick. She never got to hold him. My mom's mother never got to meet him at all. He is the only great-grandchild on BOTH sides. I feel GUILTY. If I could have had a normal pregnancy they both would have been able to spend time with him. This whole situation would be different, easier...perhaps even happier. I know Kasons condition isn't my fault but sometimes I can't help but feel sad about it. I've prayed like crazy to my grandfathers begging them to help with Kason & his lungs. I've been begging them even more to help him get out of here with enough time to be held by each great grandmother. I'd doubtful that either one will get to hold him. I know my grandfathers watch over Kason. I can feel them here around me (Ask about this another time). Maybe they both just want their wives back with them in heaven?

I've cried a lot on family & friends about this. It's just the circle of life. Kason's a miracle baby. He's new. Its a fresh new life. A new generation. A new member to carry out our life-line. My grandmothers both lived full lives and it's time for them to depart--knowing their memory will be held onto by yet another generation. While I grieve...I must also keep an open heart. I have to celebrate their lives & while finding comfort in the miracle of Kason's life.