Hello Readers. I just wanted to let you know I will no longer be blogging here. Another site has captured my heart & has made me feel more at home. I'm sorry it took me so long to decide. I wish everyone the best & I hope to stay in touch via Facebook!
Kason, Rob & I will keep everyone in our thoughts & we appreciate all the love, prayers & support.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Military Wives
I saw this video & heard this song & was moved. Wanted to share the link with all of my super strong sisters who are dealing with this right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuEqAIFmc2Y
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuEqAIFmc2Y
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
Emotional Roller Coaster
I have not posted in a few days & I'll be honest and say why. I'm an emotional wreck & as hard as I try I just can't get myself feeling setteled. I think at its core it's got a lot to do with Kason but now it's pushed out into every area of my life. I feel shaky. I want to pull away from everyone & everything & it's just this huge struggle to get up, get dressed & get on with my day.
I went to dinner at Melting Pot with Candi last night. My favorite place/my best friend. We'd been trying for months & it finally happned. I enjoyed the food/company but I didn't feel like me the entire time. It felt like I was watching it from the outside. I couldnt focus on the moment and just keep myself in it. This is just one example---but it's been the case for awhile now. I've had some really fun days & nights (6 flags was one of them for starters) but as much as I enjoyed them I don't think I enjoyed them as much as I could have or would have under different circumstances. Even take blogging for example. I was loyal to a site & it was a happy part of each of my days. I gave it up for no real reason at all aside from the fact that it wasn't making me happy anymore. Why would something that made me so happy make me feel crappy?
The more I think about this---the more I'm wondering if I'm flat out depressed. It's very common in NICU parents. In fact, out of the girls I'm friendly with there--I believe I'm the only one not getting help via counciling. I keep telling myself depressed people cry, they don't go out, they over-eat or don't eat, they can't function. I'm functioning. I don't cry. I go out & I'm eating/sleeping normally. I don't fit into my definition of depression. But at the same time I'm really not myself.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need help. Or if anything would even help me. I've got tons of support in friendships. Tons of people on my side rooting me along...but that's not enough. Could a stranger who's trained in counceling really help? I've tried talking it out with my closest friends but it dosn't give me any relief. It just makes me feel more confused, sad or guilty for feeling & thinking the way I'm feeling & thinking.
I don't even know what I WANT when it comes to Kason. Everythings so back & forth. Here are some examples:
* I am deeply saddened by him being hospitalized for so long. I feel like I'm missing out on everything normal mom's get to experience. I feel like I can't relate to anyone--because nobodys really been where I am. I've spent 4 months of my life in what feels like emotional hell. I hate when people ask me when he's coming home more than anything. BUT...I also feel sad at the thought of him coming home. After Rob's 2 weeks--it's just me & the baby. I won't have the freedom to go out anymore. I won't have built in babysitters. I won't have free time. I won't have doctors, nurses, other moms, march of dimes people to chat with.
* I love the feeling I get when a friend sends me a card, a nice email, or tells me how strong they think I am and how supportive they are of me and everything. It makes me smile. Gives me hope & reminds me I can do this. BUT---I also realize they feel sorry for me. I'm THAT girl who got the crappy hand in life & who nobody wants to be. I throw up that emotional guard that says "you can't show people how tough this really is. You've gotta act like you can keep your cool". I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me.
Those are just two examples. I could write out tons of them. Everything is just so conflicted. I want to believe that at some point an end is going to come to this. At some point he'll be home & all this emotional abuse will end. But everytime it seems like we're close enough to see the light at the end something happens & it feels like we're starting over.
The only way I've gotten thru it this far is by telling myself to take it day by day. Telling myself to cuddle my son, play with him, soak up each smile, kiss, and snuggle. When I come out of the day by day world and open my eyes to realize how long this has been happening & how much longer its going to happen I just can't deal the sadness from all of it. It becomes way too much to bare. I just need a break. I've been praying like crazy for one but it never seems to come.
I'm sorry this post is so down. I'll try my best to shake myself off & get out of this funk. I hate being like this & I know people hate seeing me like this. Thanks for giving me a "safe place" I can come and let it all hang out.
I went to dinner at Melting Pot with Candi last night. My favorite place/my best friend. We'd been trying for months & it finally happned. I enjoyed the food/company but I didn't feel like me the entire time. It felt like I was watching it from the outside. I couldnt focus on the moment and just keep myself in it. This is just one example---but it's been the case for awhile now. I've had some really fun days & nights (6 flags was one of them for starters) but as much as I enjoyed them I don't think I enjoyed them as much as I could have or would have under different circumstances. Even take blogging for example. I was loyal to a site & it was a happy part of each of my days. I gave it up for no real reason at all aside from the fact that it wasn't making me happy anymore. Why would something that made me so happy make me feel crappy?
The more I think about this---the more I'm wondering if I'm flat out depressed. It's very common in NICU parents. In fact, out of the girls I'm friendly with there--I believe I'm the only one not getting help via counciling. I keep telling myself depressed people cry, they don't go out, they over-eat or don't eat, they can't function. I'm functioning. I don't cry. I go out & I'm eating/sleeping normally. I don't fit into my definition of depression. But at the same time I'm really not myself.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need help. Or if anything would even help me. I've got tons of support in friendships. Tons of people on my side rooting me along...but that's not enough. Could a stranger who's trained in counceling really help? I've tried talking it out with my closest friends but it dosn't give me any relief. It just makes me feel more confused, sad or guilty for feeling & thinking the way I'm feeling & thinking.
I don't even know what I WANT when it comes to Kason. Everythings so back & forth. Here are some examples:
* I am deeply saddened by him being hospitalized for so long. I feel like I'm missing out on everything normal mom's get to experience. I feel like I can't relate to anyone--because nobodys really been where I am. I've spent 4 months of my life in what feels like emotional hell. I hate when people ask me when he's coming home more than anything. BUT...I also feel sad at the thought of him coming home. After Rob's 2 weeks--it's just me & the baby. I won't have the freedom to go out anymore. I won't have built in babysitters. I won't have free time. I won't have doctors, nurses, other moms, march of dimes people to chat with.
* I love the feeling I get when a friend sends me a card, a nice email, or tells me how strong they think I am and how supportive they are of me and everything. It makes me smile. Gives me hope & reminds me I can do this. BUT---I also realize they feel sorry for me. I'm THAT girl who got the crappy hand in life & who nobody wants to be. I throw up that emotional guard that says "you can't show people how tough this really is. You've gotta act like you can keep your cool". I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me.
Those are just two examples. I could write out tons of them. Everything is just so conflicted. I want to believe that at some point an end is going to come to this. At some point he'll be home & all this emotional abuse will end. But everytime it seems like we're close enough to see the light at the end something happens & it feels like we're starting over.
The only way I've gotten thru it this far is by telling myself to take it day by day. Telling myself to cuddle my son, play with him, soak up each smile, kiss, and snuggle. When I come out of the day by day world and open my eyes to realize how long this has been happening & how much longer its going to happen I just can't deal the sadness from all of it. It becomes way too much to bare. I just need a break. I've been praying like crazy for one but it never seems to come.
I'm sorry this post is so down. I'll try my best to shake myself off & get out of this funk. I hate being like this & I know people hate seeing me like this. Thanks for giving me a "safe place" I can come and let it all hang out.
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Check, Check, Check
It seems like these days my life is filled with lots & lots of check marks! The hosptial has us checking off a list. CPR & Discharge classes (check, check), learn to give meds (check), and proper feeds (check) sheesh! We still have to take a class on his oxygen products once they are ordered & spend two nights overnight with him when that happens. Oh, and we need the car seat installed properly which we're told the Valet guys do at the hospital.
We've also got big at home check marks we need completed. Our basement is mold free, has new walls up & is painted. It's just trim and then the hardwoods and we're done. That's been a long journey. Flooding sucks!! Once its "finished" we need to move all our nice stuff out of the junk room & into the living space. Then, we've gotta move all my arts and crafts stuff (I've got tons) into the basement so we have a free play room upstairs.
We also have to decide if we're going to let Kason sleep in his nursery---OR if we're going to move his crib into our room so we can watch him like a hawk at all times for the first few months. I posted our delima on a preemie board today so we'll see what types of advice I get. We do have a bassinet & he's still small enough for it---but Kason is almost 2 months mentally. He moves around a lot & is active. We think his crib is a much better idea.
I've also got a big LIFE check mark tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to 6 flags. It checks off the "spend quality time w/a lot of friends" box I've been meaning to get around to, and the " Enjoy the summer" box too. I'm sort of dreading being away from Kason for the entire day at this point--but I've got to do this for myself & my friends. I think I'd regret it if I didnt.
I guess w/a baby my check-list will always be never ending! I'm really starting to realize just how hard life is going to be once he's home. I mean its hard now---but I've got sooo much help with him. Within a month I could be completely on my own!! Luckily, I'm pretty confident that I can handle stress!! :)
We've also got big at home check marks we need completed. Our basement is mold free, has new walls up & is painted. It's just trim and then the hardwoods and we're done. That's been a long journey. Flooding sucks!! Once its "finished" we need to move all our nice stuff out of the junk room & into the living space. Then, we've gotta move all my arts and crafts stuff (I've got tons) into the basement so we have a free play room upstairs.
We also have to decide if we're going to let Kason sleep in his nursery---OR if we're going to move his crib into our room so we can watch him like a hawk at all times for the first few months. I posted our delima on a preemie board today so we'll see what types of advice I get. We do have a bassinet & he's still small enough for it---but Kason is almost 2 months mentally. He moves around a lot & is active. We think his crib is a much better idea.
I've also got a big LIFE check mark tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to 6 flags. It checks off the "spend quality time w/a lot of friends" box I've been meaning to get around to, and the " Enjoy the summer" box too. I'm sort of dreading being away from Kason for the entire day at this point--but I've got to do this for myself & my friends. I think I'd regret it if I didnt.
I guess w/a baby my check-list will always be never ending! I'm really starting to realize just how hard life is going to be once he's home. I mean its hard now---but I've got sooo much help with him. Within a month I could be completely on my own!! Luckily, I'm pretty confident that I can handle stress!! :)
Friday, August 6, 2010
Feel Good Friday
Here are my 5 "Happy" things from this week!
1) Bekah booked her flight! She will be down visiting in just a few weeks!
2) Kason's on the lowest level oxygen machine. This is the same tank he can come home on as long as he consistantly does well on it.
3) For the first time in our 115 day NICU stay we heard the word "discharge"
4) Today is Design a Onsie Day @ the NICU! So much fun!
5) Rob took the day off. He's been missing Kase & I so we're spending a family day together!
1) Bekah booked her flight! She will be down visiting in just a few weeks!
2) Kason's on the lowest level oxygen machine. This is the same tank he can come home on as long as he consistantly does well on it.
3) For the first time in our 115 day NICU stay we heard the word "discharge"
4) Today is Design a Onsie Day @ the NICU! So much fun!
5) Rob took the day off. He's been missing Kase & I so we're spending a family day together!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Cooking
I hate admitting this but---Cooking has always been a dreaded thing for me. Neither of my parents liked to cook. Growing up we usually had the same few meals over and over again to get us through the weekdays. We had a pizza night on fridays where they'd order pizza instead of making it. We'd eat out on Saturday nights too---and on Sunday's it was off to grandma's for dinner. Since I never was exposed to a lot of new things as a kid...I became a very fussy eater. As an adult I've tried a ton of new things---but as yummy as they look I just can't get past the taste of them.
When I moved to my first apartment with my ex I tried learning a few new recipies. He didn't like anything new that I tried---so we fell into the same bad habits my parents taught me. I started doubting my abilities as a cook & I became nervous about the whole thing. It brought me a weird type of anxiety. The following year we rented a condo type house & had a my good friend as a roommate. He was an amazing cook & loved doing it. I took the super lazy way out--and while my ex & I did other various things--our roommate did 80% of the cooking!
Fast Forward to a year later. Rob & I are living with my dad to try and help my brother & him out. Rob likes to cook & we started trying simple things together. Pasta dishes, Ribs, Steaks---ect. It was nice...but basic. The next year we bought our house---and with deployments, the wedding and pregnancy---we were always busy, exhausted, and just plain lazy. We went out to eat a lot. (Way to much) and we started buying a lot of pre-done meals. We did cook here & there but not anywhere near what we should have.
That brings me to now. We're on a VERY tight budget so pizza nights & going out are a thing of the past. I'm forced to cook & the more I do it---the more confident I'm getting. I like cooking. I'm good at cooking. I can honestly say that now. I feel like most of the things I make are not only better for us---but they taste better than anything I could order out. I won't lie though---the NICU life does pose a big challenge. I usually have a very limited amount of time--so I still cook fairly simple dishes for the most part but I do try and make a few amazing ones every week. I honestly can't wait till Kasons home & I have the day to prep things inbetween caring for him. :) I'm really excited about this new adventure I'm on & my new love for it.
It's pretty silly to have a "cooking anxiety" and I can see that now. I wish I never had those experiences with my ex & that my mom had given me more confidence in this area at a young age. I can only hope that I'll set a much better example for my children! :)
When I moved to my first apartment with my ex I tried learning a few new recipies. He didn't like anything new that I tried---so we fell into the same bad habits my parents taught me. I started doubting my abilities as a cook & I became nervous about the whole thing. It brought me a weird type of anxiety. The following year we rented a condo type house & had a my good friend as a roommate. He was an amazing cook & loved doing it. I took the super lazy way out--and while my ex & I did other various things--our roommate did 80% of the cooking!
Fast Forward to a year later. Rob & I are living with my dad to try and help my brother & him out. Rob likes to cook & we started trying simple things together. Pasta dishes, Ribs, Steaks---ect. It was nice...but basic. The next year we bought our house---and with deployments, the wedding and pregnancy---we were always busy, exhausted, and just plain lazy. We went out to eat a lot. (Way to much) and we started buying a lot of pre-done meals. We did cook here & there but not anywhere near what we should have.
That brings me to now. We're on a VERY tight budget so pizza nights & going out are a thing of the past. I'm forced to cook & the more I do it---the more confident I'm getting. I like cooking. I'm good at cooking. I can honestly say that now. I feel like most of the things I make are not only better for us---but they taste better than anything I could order out. I won't lie though---the NICU life does pose a big challenge. I usually have a very limited amount of time--so I still cook fairly simple dishes for the most part but I do try and make a few amazing ones every week. I honestly can't wait till Kasons home & I have the day to prep things inbetween caring for him. :) I'm really excited about this new adventure I'm on & my new love for it.
It's pretty silly to have a "cooking anxiety" and I can see that now. I wish I never had those experiences with my ex & that my mom had given me more confidence in this area at a young age. I can only hope that I'll set a much better example for my children! :)
Wednesday, August 4, 2010
Issues With this Site...Any help!?
Hi ladies I need help with this site.
1) I can read Jess's blog--but she wont show up on my dashboard. I have to go click on my followers to get there. I try to follow her---but whenever I click to--it won't let me.
2) I'm having the same issue with Claudia...only I get a step closer. It allows me to hit "follow" it says I'm not following her---but her blog won't show up on my dashboard.
3) I followed Jenny. Her blog DOES show up on my dashboard. I can see a few words from her entry---but when I actually click to open it up---I only get her backround--no words.
I'm getting frustrated. Help please!!!
PS. Guess I'm going to have to start wordless Wed another week. HAHA
1) I can read Jess's blog--but she wont show up on my dashboard. I have to go click on my followers to get there. I try to follow her---but whenever I click to--it won't let me.
2) I'm having the same issue with Claudia...only I get a step closer. It allows me to hit "follow" it says I'm not following her---but her blog won't show up on my dashboard.
3) I followed Jenny. Her blog DOES show up on my dashboard. I can see a few words from her entry---but when I actually click to open it up---I only get her backround--no words.
I'm getting frustrated. Help please!!!
PS. Guess I'm going to have to start wordless Wed another week. HAHA
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Ex's.
Last night my ex-fiance' put up the following status of FB: hasn't ever felt more like a jack-ass. I read it and smiled. Can I tell you how badly I wanted to "like" his comment. Would that be bad of me?! I know a lot of people would feel the same as me. Hence the popularity of Jaron & the Long Road to Love's song.
Sure it's been a few years since he called off our engagment. (With a letter. Less than 3 months before our wedding day. Which was supposed to me my 25th birthday. Moved everything out of our apartment while I was at work.) Of course we all know that I found true love with the guy after him. I'm happily married. I've got an amazing son. He moved on to some girl who goes by "Penny" (did you think of Inspector Gadget as well?!?) even tho it's not her real name. I will say I'm honestly over him & have been for a very long time. I will also say I'm still very bitter about the way things went down. Don't get me wrong--we would have never lasted. Looking back at it I would have given us a year of marraige tops. I am grateful for the fact that he didn't let us get that far.
As I was thinking of all of this...it made me think about ex's in general. I'm only 27 but had 3 long term relationships BEFORE my marrige. By long term I mean 2 years or more. While 2 of the guys are on my FB & I have a general idea of where they are in their lives--I never speak to them directly. I talk to the 3rd one's sister here & there so I know he's married with a daughter...but I never speak to him either. I spent a total of 7 years with these guys. 7 years where one of them was my world. 7 years filled with dates, dinners, movies, mini-golf, weddings, funerals, birthdays, holidays, family events....ect, ect. There was intamacy, long deep soul freeing talks, the works! I spent so much time with them & felt so increadibly close to them. There was a time with each of them where I could have never imagined myself seperated from them. We were 2.
And here I am...not even speaking to them. I know it's the way of the world. I get that people stop getting along. I get that people can hurt each other to a point where they can't find forgiveness. I know why things end. And I'm grateful that things end. It just makes me feel sad. I won't say my time was wasted--I had fun, I grew up, I was in good company, it helped me realize the qualities I'd both need & hate in a partner. I just wish there was an honest way to stay friends with your ex. Shouldn't there be a certain type of respect after spending that much time with each other?! I've always offered my friendship but it's never been accepted.
Before I pressed the like button...I found some respect for my ex. I decided it wasnt in anybody best interest to be a jerk. Then I wrote him an email checking in. We'll see where it leads....but I'm not holding my breath!
What are your thoughts on ex's?? Are any of you still friends with one?!
Sure it's been a few years since he called off our engagment. (With a letter. Less than 3 months before our wedding day. Which was supposed to me my 25th birthday. Moved everything out of our apartment while I was at work.) Of course we all know that I found true love with the guy after him. I'm happily married. I've got an amazing son. He moved on to some girl who goes by "Penny" (did you think of Inspector Gadget as well?!?) even tho it's not her real name. I will say I'm honestly over him & have been for a very long time. I will also say I'm still very bitter about the way things went down. Don't get me wrong--we would have never lasted. Looking back at it I would have given us a year of marraige tops. I am grateful for the fact that he didn't let us get that far.
As I was thinking of all of this...it made me think about ex's in general. I'm only 27 but had 3 long term relationships BEFORE my marrige. By long term I mean 2 years or more. While 2 of the guys are on my FB & I have a general idea of where they are in their lives--I never speak to them directly. I talk to the 3rd one's sister here & there so I know he's married with a daughter...but I never speak to him either. I spent a total of 7 years with these guys. 7 years where one of them was my world. 7 years filled with dates, dinners, movies, mini-golf, weddings, funerals, birthdays, holidays, family events....ect, ect. There was intamacy, long deep soul freeing talks, the works! I spent so much time with them & felt so increadibly close to them. There was a time with each of them where I could have never imagined myself seperated from them. We were 2.
And here I am...not even speaking to them. I know it's the way of the world. I get that people stop getting along. I get that people can hurt each other to a point where they can't find forgiveness. I know why things end. And I'm grateful that things end. It just makes me feel sad. I won't say my time was wasted--I had fun, I grew up, I was in good company, it helped me realize the qualities I'd both need & hate in a partner. I just wish there was an honest way to stay friends with your ex. Shouldn't there be a certain type of respect after spending that much time with each other?! I've always offered my friendship but it's never been accepted.
Before I pressed the like button...I found some respect for my ex. I decided it wasnt in anybody best interest to be a jerk. Then I wrote him an email checking in. We'll see where it leads....but I'm not holding my breath!
What are your thoughts on ex's?? Are any of you still friends with one?!
Monday, August 2, 2010
Summer
I'm not a huge summer person. Don't get me wrong--I prefer it over winter but I love spring & fall the best. Rhode Island is humid & muggy and just gross in the summer. I hate feeling sweaty & lazy and that's exactly how the humidity makes me feel. Despite it not being my favorite I always try to get out there & do some summer things.
Last summer we really lived it up. We have a pool & I went swimming & sat out by it a lot. We went to the beach quite a few times, went to block island (a blast), spent a day at Canobie Lake park, spent a few days in Newport, Played a ton of mini golf and we went to a huge fair in Vermont.
This summer's activities? Not a whole lot! With the majority of our time spent in the NICU & to and from it--it's been really hard. We did get a day in Newport. We also found a way to spend the day at Canobie Lake Park. We didn't open our pool. We felt we wouldnt have time to keep it up (and we wouldnt have...we can barely get our grass cut!). Just this weekend we spent a few hours by my father in law's pool. It was nice to feel like we got something out of the summer. I'm determined to make it to the beach at least once. We've been at night--but we still have not had a lay out in the sun on the sand with a good book beach day. Being that it's August already I'm really hoping we can squeeze a day in.
I am going to 6 Flags with some friends next Sunday. I'm not big into thrill rides. I think I'll hang in the water park section if I can. Do any of you like thrill rides? What are your favorites?!
I'm not sure what else I can do to get a little more summer in. I've made quite a few caprese salads & sandwiches. We've used the grill quite a bit. I've been getting an Awful Awful (Milkshake made with ice milk instead of ice cream. Less Calories. More flavor. Called an Awul Awful because it's Awful Big & Awful Good) here and there & I do get a lot of Dels (Frozen Lemonade). So in many ways we've been eating & drinking summer. Haha.
What have you been doing to soak up summer?!
For my non-RI Readers here is a link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Del
Last summer we really lived it up. We have a pool & I went swimming & sat out by it a lot. We went to the beach quite a few times, went to block island (a blast), spent a day at Canobie Lake park, spent a few days in Newport, Played a ton of mini golf and we went to a huge fair in Vermont.
This summer's activities? Not a whole lot! With the majority of our time spent in the NICU & to and from it--it's been really hard. We did get a day in Newport. We also found a way to spend the day at Canobie Lake Park. We didn't open our pool. We felt we wouldnt have time to keep it up (and we wouldnt have...we can barely get our grass cut!). Just this weekend we spent a few hours by my father in law's pool. It was nice to feel like we got something out of the summer. I'm determined to make it to the beach at least once. We've been at night--but we still have not had a lay out in the sun on the sand with a good book beach day. Being that it's August already I'm really hoping we can squeeze a day in.
I am going to 6 Flags with some friends next Sunday. I'm not big into thrill rides. I think I'll hang in the water park section if I can. Do any of you like thrill rides? What are your favorites?!
I'm not sure what else I can do to get a little more summer in. I've made quite a few caprese salads & sandwiches. We've used the grill quite a bit. I've been getting an Awful Awful (Milkshake made with ice milk instead of ice cream. Less Calories. More flavor. Called an Awul Awful because it's Awful Big & Awful Good) here and there & I do get a lot of Dels (Frozen Lemonade). So in many ways we've been eating & drinking summer. Haha.
What have you been doing to soak up summer?!
For my non-RI Readers here is a link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Del
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)