Cell Phone

Hey WOL Girls...

Please text me 401-226-4983 with your name so I can re-add you to my contacts. My cell needed to be reset & I lost EVERYTHING! :(

thanks!!

Leaving

Hello Readers. I just wanted to let you know I will no longer be blogging here. Another site has captured my heart & has made me feel more at home. I'm sorry it took me so long to decide. I wish everyone the best & I hope to stay in touch via Facebook!

Kason, Rob & I will keep everyone in our thoughts & we appreciate all the love, prayers & support.

Military Wives

I saw this video & heard this song & was moved. Wanted to share the link with all of my super strong sisters who are dealing with this right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tuEqAIFmc2Y

Emotional Roller Coaster

I have not posted in a few days & I'll be honest and say why. I'm an emotional wreck & as hard as I try I just can't get myself feeling setteled. I think at its core it's got a lot to do with Kason but now it's pushed out into every area of my life. I feel shaky. I want to pull away from everyone & everything & it's just this huge struggle to get up, get dressed & get on with my day.

I went to dinner at Melting Pot with Candi last night. My favorite place/my best friend. We'd been trying for months & it finally happned. I enjoyed the food/company but I didn't feel like me the entire time. It felt like I was watching it from the outside. I couldnt focus on the moment and just keep myself in it. This is just one example---but it's been the case for awhile now. I've had some really fun days & nights (6 flags was one of them for starters) but as much as I enjoyed them I don't think I enjoyed them as much as I could have or would have under different circumstances. Even take blogging for example. I was loyal to a site & it was a happy part of each of my days. I gave it up for no real reason at all aside from the fact that it wasn't making me happy anymore. Why would something that made me so happy make me feel crappy?

The more I think about this---the more I'm wondering if I'm flat out depressed. It's very common in NICU parents. In fact, out of the girls I'm friendly with there--I believe I'm the only one not getting help via counciling. I keep telling myself depressed people cry, they don't go out, they over-eat or don't eat, they can't function. I'm functioning. I don't cry. I go out & I'm eating/sleeping normally. I don't fit into my definition of depression. But at the same time I'm really not myself.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I need help. Or if anything would even help me. I've got tons of support in friendships. Tons of people on my side rooting me along...but that's not enough. Could a stranger who's trained in counceling really help? I've tried talking it out with my closest friends but it dosn't give me any relief. It just makes me feel more confused, sad or guilty for feeling & thinking the way I'm feeling & thinking.

I don't even know what I WANT when it comes to Kason. Everythings so back & forth. Here are some examples:

* I am deeply saddened by him being hospitalized for so long. I feel like I'm missing out on everything normal mom's get to experience. I feel like I can't relate to anyone--because nobodys really been where I am. I've spent 4 months of my life in what feels like emotional hell. I hate when people ask me when he's coming home more than anything. BUT...I also feel sad at the thought of him coming home. After Rob's 2 weeks--it's just me & the baby. I won't have the freedom to go out anymore. I won't have built in babysitters. I won't have free time. I won't have doctors, nurses, other moms, march of dimes people to chat with.

* I love the feeling I get when a friend sends me a card, a nice email, or tells me how strong they think I am and how supportive they are of me and everything. It makes me smile. Gives me hope & reminds me I can do this. BUT---I also realize they feel sorry for me. I'm THAT girl who got the crappy hand in life & who nobody wants to be. I throw up that emotional guard that says "you can't show people how tough this really is. You've gotta act like you can keep your cool". I'm sick of people feeling sorry for me.

Those are just two examples. I could write out tons of them. Everything is just so conflicted. I want to believe that at some point an end is going to come to this. At some point he'll be home & all this emotional abuse will end. But everytime it seems like we're close enough to see the light at the end something happens & it feels like we're starting over.

The only way I've gotten thru it this far is by telling myself to take it day by day. Telling myself to cuddle my son, play with him, soak up each smile, kiss, and snuggle. When I come out of the day by day world and open my eyes to realize how long this has been happening & how much longer its going to happen I just can't deal the sadness from all of it. It becomes way too much to bare. I just need a break. I've been praying like crazy for one but it never seems to come.

I'm sorry this post is so down. I'll try my best to shake myself off & get out of this funk. I hate being like this & I know people hate seeing me like this. Thanks for giving me a "safe place" I can come and let it all hang out.

Check, Check, Check

It seems like these days my life is filled with lots & lots of check marks! The hosptial has us checking off a list. CPR & Discharge classes (check, check), learn to give meds (check), and proper feeds (check) sheesh! We still have to take a class on his oxygen products once they are ordered & spend two nights overnight with him when that happens. Oh, and we need the car seat installed properly which we're told the Valet guys do at the hospital.

We've also got big at home check marks we need completed. Our basement is mold free, has new walls up & is painted. It's just trim and then the hardwoods and we're done. That's been a long journey. Flooding sucks!! Once its "finished" we need to move all our nice stuff out of the junk room & into the living space. Then, we've gotta move all my arts and crafts stuff (I've got tons) into the basement so we have a free play room upstairs.

We also have to decide if we're going to let Kason sleep in his nursery---OR if we're going to move his crib into our room so we can watch him like a hawk at all times for the first few months. I posted our delima on a preemie board today so we'll see what types of advice I get. We do have a bassinet & he's still small enough for it---but Kason is almost 2 months mentally. He moves around a lot & is active. We think his crib is a much better idea.

I've also got a big LIFE check mark tomorrow. Tomorrow I am going to 6 flags. It checks off the "spend quality time w/a lot of friends" box I've been meaning to get around to, and the " Enjoy the summer" box too. I'm sort of dreading being away from Kason for the entire day at this point--but I've got to do this for myself & my friends. I think I'd regret it if I didnt.

I guess w/a baby my check-list will always be never ending! I'm really starting to realize just how hard life is going to be once he's home. I mean its hard now---but I've got sooo much help with him. Within a month I could be completely on my own!! Luckily, I'm pretty confident that I can handle stress!! :)

Feel Good Friday

Here are my 5 "Happy" things from this week!

1) Bekah booked her flight! She will be down visiting in just a few weeks!

2) Kason's on the lowest level oxygen machine. This is the same tank he can come home on as long as he consistantly does well on it.

3) For the first time in our 115 day NICU stay we heard the word "discharge"

4) Today is Design a Onsie Day @ the NICU! So much fun!

5) Rob took the day off. He's been missing Kase & I so we're spending a family day together!

Cooking

I hate admitting this but---Cooking has always been a dreaded thing for me. Neither of my parents liked to cook. Growing up we usually had the same few meals over and over again to get us through the weekdays. We had a pizza night on fridays where they'd order pizza instead of making it. We'd eat out on Saturday nights too---and on Sunday's it was off to grandma's for dinner. Since I never was exposed to a lot of new things as a kid...I became a very fussy eater. As an adult I've tried a ton of new things---but as yummy as they look I just can't get past the taste of them.

When I moved to my first apartment with my ex I tried learning a few new recipies. He didn't like anything new that I tried---so we fell into the same bad habits my parents taught me. I started doubting my abilities as a cook & I became nervous about the whole thing. It brought me a weird type of anxiety. The following year we rented a condo type house & had a my good friend as a roommate. He was an amazing cook & loved doing it. I took the super lazy way out--and while my ex & I did other various things--our roommate did 80% of the cooking!

Fast Forward to a year later. Rob & I are living with my dad to try and help my brother & him out. Rob likes to cook & we started trying simple things together. Pasta dishes, Ribs, Steaks---ect. It was nice...but basic. The next year we bought our house---and with deployments, the wedding and pregnancy---we were always busy, exhausted, and just plain lazy. We went out to eat a lot. (Way to much) and we started buying a lot of pre-done meals. We did cook here & there but not anywhere near what we should have.

That brings me to now. We're on a VERY tight budget so pizza nights & going out are a thing of the past. I'm forced to cook & the more I do it---the more confident I'm getting. I like cooking. I'm good at cooking. I can honestly say that now. I feel like most of the things I make are not only better for us---but they taste better than anything I could order out. I won't lie though---the NICU life does pose a big challenge. I usually have a very limited amount of time--so I still cook fairly simple dishes for the most part but I do try and make a few amazing ones every week. I honestly can't wait till Kasons home & I have the day to prep things inbetween caring for him. :) I'm really excited about this new adventure I'm on & my new love for it.

It's pretty silly to have a "cooking anxiety" and I can see that now. I wish I never had those experiences with my ex & that my mom had given me more confidence in this area at a young age. I can only hope that I'll set a much better example for my children! :)

Issues With this Site...Any help!?

Hi ladies I need help with this site.

1) I can read Jess's blog--but she wont show up on my dashboard. I have to go click on my followers to get there. I try to follow her---but whenever I click to--it won't let me.

2) I'm having the same issue with Claudia...only I get a step closer. It allows me to hit "follow" it says I'm not following her---but her blog won't show up on my dashboard.

3) I followed Jenny. Her blog DOES show up on my dashboard. I can see a few words from her entry---but when I actually click to open it up---I only get her backround--no words.

I'm getting frustrated. Help please!!!

PS. Guess I'm going to have to start wordless Wed another week. HAHA

Ex's.

Last night my ex-fiance' put up the following status of FB: hasn't ever felt more like a jack-ass. I read it and smiled. Can I tell you how badly I wanted to "like" his comment. Would that be bad of me?! I know a lot of people would feel the same as me. Hence the popularity of Jaron & the Long Road to Love's song.

Sure it's been a few years since he called off our engagment. (With a letter. Less than 3 months before our wedding day. Which was supposed to me my 25th birthday. Moved everything out of our apartment while I was at work.) Of course we all know that I found true love with the guy after him. I'm happily married. I've got an amazing son. He moved on to some girl who goes by "Penny" (did you think of Inspector Gadget as well?!?) even tho it's not her real name. I will say I'm honestly over him & have been for a very long time. I will also say I'm still very bitter about the way things went down. Don't get me wrong--we would have never lasted. Looking back at it I would have given us a year of marraige tops. I am grateful for the fact that he didn't let us get that far.

As I was thinking of all of this...it made me think about ex's in general. I'm only 27 but had 3 long term relationships BEFORE my marrige. By long term I mean 2 years or more. While 2 of the guys are on my FB & I have a general idea of where they are in their lives--I never speak to them directly. I talk to the 3rd one's sister here & there so I know he's married with a daughter...but I never speak to him either. I spent a total of 7 years with these guys. 7 years where one of them was my world. 7 years filled with dates, dinners, movies, mini-golf, weddings, funerals, birthdays, holidays, family events....ect, ect. There was intamacy, long deep soul freeing talks, the works! I spent so much time with them & felt so increadibly close to them. There was a time with each of them where I could have never imagined myself seperated from them. We were 2.

And here I am...not even speaking to them. I know it's the way of the world. I get that people stop getting along. I get that people can hurt each other to a point where they can't find forgiveness. I know why things end. And I'm grateful that things end. It just makes me feel sad. I won't say my time was wasted--I had fun, I grew up, I was in good company, it helped me realize the qualities I'd both need & hate in a partner. I just wish there was an honest way to stay friends with your ex. Shouldn't there be a certain type of respect after spending that much time with each other?! I've always offered my friendship but it's never been accepted.

Before I pressed the like button...I found some respect for my ex. I decided it wasnt in anybody best interest to be a jerk. Then I wrote him an email checking in. We'll see where it leads....but I'm not holding my breath!

What are your thoughts on ex's?? Are any of you still friends with one?!

Summer

I'm not a huge summer person. Don't get me wrong--I prefer it over winter but I love spring & fall the best. Rhode Island is humid & muggy and just gross in the summer. I hate feeling sweaty & lazy and that's exactly how the humidity makes me feel. Despite it not being my favorite I always try to get out there & do some summer things.

Last summer we really lived it up. We have a pool & I went swimming & sat out by it a lot. We went to the beach quite a few times, went to block island (a blast), spent a day at Canobie Lake park, spent a few days in Newport, Played a ton of mini golf and we went to a huge fair in Vermont.

This summer's activities? Not a whole lot! With the majority of our time spent in the NICU & to and from it--it's been really hard. We did get a day in Newport. We also found a way to spend the day at Canobie Lake Park. We didn't open our pool. We felt we wouldnt have time to keep it up (and we wouldnt have...we can barely get our grass cut!). Just this weekend we spent a few hours by my father in law's pool. It was nice to feel like we got something out of the summer. I'm determined to make it to the beach at least once. We've been at night--but we still have not had a lay out in the sun on the sand with a good book beach day. Being that it's August already I'm really hoping we can squeeze a day in.

I am going to 6 Flags with some friends next Sunday. I'm not big into thrill rides. I think I'll hang in the water park section if I can. Do any of you like thrill rides? What are your favorites?!

I'm not sure what else I can do to get a little more summer in. I've made quite a few caprese salads & sandwiches. We've used the grill quite a bit. I've been getting an Awful Awful (Milkshake made with ice milk instead of ice cream. Less Calories. More flavor. Called an Awul Awful because it's Awful Big & Awful Good) here and there & I do get a lot of Dels (Frozen Lemonade). So in many ways we've been eating & drinking summer. Haha.




What have you been doing to soak up summer?!

For my non-RI Readers here is a link.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Del

Circle of Life?!

Wow! If I thought last Saturday was a rough day I had no idea. This week has been very intense. Kasons doing a bit better in some areas & a bit worse in others. It's so very back & forth. While a HUGE chunk of me can't wait for him to finally be coming home there's still that small side of me thats really going to miss the nurses that I love & just being around people. Once I'm home it's just Kason & I....so I'm going to need some major hobbies!

Anyways, the big thing is that my grandmother (moms mother) is now down to 80lbs. She's only eating sweets & shakes. The doctors keep telling us she does not have much longer to live. She's had alzhimers a few years now so I've been grieving for years over losing her..It's just becoming so final now. On the other side of the coin...My father called with an update on my other grandmother (his mother). She recently had a heart attack. They had scheduled her for heart surgery but I guess she's been barely able to pass the tests they have given her. Now the big question is: will she even live through the surgery?! The decision will be made on Monday as to if they will send her to Hospice to die OR try the surgery. This grandma's situation is completely different & I am totally not prepared to lose her. It's so....sudden.

Growing up I was much closer to my mom's mom. My mom is an only child so my bro & I are her only grandkids. We had so much fun together. On my dad's side I have 9 other cousins who share that grandma. I've always been around her growing up but I've gotten MUCH closer to her in the past 10 years.The pain of losing one grandparent is hard to bare (I lost both grandfathers in my pre-teen years) but losing 2 with days or weeks of each other seems unimaginable.

I think the worst part of all of this though---is Kason. My dad's mother DID get to see him twice but we never took pictures as Kason was plenty sick. She never got to hold him. My mom's mother never got to meet him at all. He is the only great-grandchild on BOTH sides. I feel GUILTY. If I could have had a normal pregnancy they both would have been able to spend time with him. This whole situation would be different, easier...perhaps even happier. I know Kasons condition isn't my fault but sometimes I can't help but feel sad about it. I've prayed like crazy to my grandfathers begging them to help with Kason & his lungs. I've been begging them even more to help him get out of here with enough time to be held by each great grandmother. I'd doubtful that either one will get to hold him. I know my grandfathers watch over Kason. I can feel them here around me (Ask about this another time). Maybe they both just want their wives back with them in heaven?

I've cried a lot on family & friends about this. It's just the circle of life. Kason's a miracle baby. He's new. Its a fresh new life. A new generation. A new member to carry out our life-line. My grandmothers both lived full lives and it's time for them to depart--knowing their memory will be held onto by yet another generation. While I grieve...I must also keep an open heart. I have to celebrate their lives & while finding comfort in the miracle of Kason's life.

Blogger Help

Since I've decided to stay here I need some help!

How do I make my blog all pretty like everyone elses?

I'm seeing a trend with wordless Wed. I'm going to try and follow that rule. I think it would be fun for me since I'm such a chatter/writer/talker. I can try and express myself in a more artistic way.

What is Feel Good Friday all about?!

Thanks Friends!

This Week

This week has been a total emotional rollercoaster. Kasons progress has been fantastic but he'll be coming off the steriods he's on tomorrow & the doctors fear that he'll be back to his old ways. I am trying to stay as positive as possible. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel from where we are now. If his condition goes back to where it was (or even worse) once he's off of them I'm really not sure how we'll be able to deal. This whole experience is taking its toll on me mentally & physically.

Since he's doing better for the first time it actually hit me that no matter how long this feels or lasts--it's not going to be forever. Eventually we'll have our son home & a normal life. Of course we Knew that--but the longer you stay in the NICU the harder it is to see the end. Life there just becomes the norm. It was nice to think about our son eventually being normal.

On top of all the madness neither of my living grandparents are doing well. It makes me even more angry that Kasons sick. If he wasn't I'd have the time to go visit them more. I could bring him with me & they could each spend time with their only great-grandson. I honestly believe my moms mother won't live past when Kasons home. Now, I worry about my dad's mother. With both of them so sick...I could literally lose them within days of each other. I'm really close to them & that would just kill me.

It's so hard to find/keep faith when everything is piling up on me. People say God dosnt give us more than we can handle. I used to say that. I used to believe it. I'm pretty close to giving up. Locking myself in my room & just sleeping until the time comes that Kason can come home. I'm at that point where I keep throwing my hands up and saying "please take the wheel" but nothing seems to change or get easier. For the first time in my 27 years I'm doubting my faith & it sucks because nows the time I probably need it the most.

It's been a crazy/emotional/ tear filled week. I really don't have much planned for this weekend coming up or anything fun during the week. I hope I can find something even tiny to look forward to so I can pick myself up & keep moving forward.

Hope Within Chaos

Saturday Night was a night I had been looking forward to for weeks. I had my dress, made sure my husband could be with my son, worked my butt off to finish all my projects for work & was super excited to go out on the town. The plan was to go to Plymouth, Ma to go to dinner & and dancing with a group of girls for our friends birthday. Everyone was excited so how did I end up in the middle of the street telling my friends I wanted to be hit by a car?! Of course I wasn't serious, was I? Probably not but in that moment I realized for the first time why someone could be brough to that point.

Let's start with earlier in the day. We went to visit my son. He's on this steriod treatment which is pretty much our only hope of getting him home within a month. If this does not work we are most likely looking at a 6+ month NICU stay. He's been doing amazing with the treatment so we've been impressed. In walks the doctor. He tells us he's not all that impressed at all. He seems to think we should start coming to terms with/accepting our son is going to be there even longer. We've done well--considering he's been there 3 months. I give all the credit to a good support system & marrying the right person but exhaustion is kicking in. We're tired, losing hope & fighting over the smallest of things. We need a break. Even after this blow...I remained hopeful for a good night.

It's 5:30pm & the girls & I are stuck in traffic right near my house. We're complaining on how it's going to make us late since there is no end in sight. My phone rings & it's my brother.. He asks where I am. I tell him in traffic & he's like "have you talked to mom?". My first reaction is panic for my grandmother (mom's mom) who's got severe alzhimers & was told she's got weeks to live since she can't even remember to swollow. Instead he tells me that my mom was part of the 4 car crash that is holding us up. He's almost at her but he has no idea if she's hurt or the damage because when she called him she was panicked & not making sense. We sit in traffic--me freaking out--for a half hour more before getting to the scene. We see the cars (totaled) but not my mom. Brother calls to say she's got bumps and brusies and is sore but she's okay. I talk to her & she's emotionally a mess but otherwise okay. She tells me to go on with my night as planned. I do.

1 Lady Gaga cd later we're at our destination. We're walking to the resturant when my dad calls. My parents are divorced so I know he's clueless as to the car accident. I answer & he tells me he's calling to let me know my grandmother (his mom) got rushed to the hospital & is admitted. She's having issues breathing. All of this was too much for one day. I see the street. I see my friends & I decide that even after all the looking forward to I'd done for this night---the street & being hit by a car was a better idea.

Thankfully, friends come to the recuse with hugs & support. There's a lot of talk of my adorable son & how much he needs me. There's the promise of dinner & a good night ahead. I shake it all off and put myself in their hands. 2 hours & a few margarita's later I'm down at the famous Plymouth Rock singing the Fraggle Rock theme song. 2 hours after that I'm dancing with friends and strangers having a blast.

On the drive home I realize that looking at everything is extreamly overwhelming. When I think of each piece indivdually it seems so much more bareable. I don't feel guilty that I had a great night. I give myself credit for staying the moment & allowing myself to live my own life with little regret. Despite all the hard things going on right now I'm still standing. I guess I'm far stronger than I give myself credit for---and I find small hope in that.

Funny Funny.

Here are some video's on YouTube that always make me laugh.

For Cat owners:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0ffwDYo00Q&feature=channel

For Married Folks

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmnIO5jYzJo

For Anyone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sv5woNs9WRE

Totally hilarious-- Makes me almost pee my pants anytime I watch it. (may be inappropriate for some)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Bhqq3N8MegI

And finally...my favorite one. This is for my RI-Boston friends. This guys accent is THE BEST ever. I will warn that it's fairly vulgar.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADqAWUoVtbs

Friends

Friends are wonderful. I really don't know where I'd be without mine. I love how excited I feel the entire day when I know we're going out on the town that night. It's nice to know that when I want to vent about the dirty looks someone gave me, traffic, work, relationship issues, that really cute outfit I'd never get my butt into because of my love of ice cream, or even just how ordinary my day is...somebody will be there to listen to me. :) It's amazing how an inside joke can make you giggle, a song on the radio can lead to phone calls, and how comforting a hug can be.

I enjoy every type of friend out there. The best friend who I can't go a day without calling. The long distance friends who always find a way to make it seem like we're so much closer than we really are. The friends you can have all night crying, drinking wine, laughing and venting with. The friends you know who will always lift your spirits by getting you off your miserable butt & making you go out on the town.

No matter how well you feel like you know your friends sometimes they can surprise you. Sometimes you check your mail & find a supportive card or letter. Sometimes they'll say "dinner is on me this time". Sometimes your friend will send you the most perfect book without even knowing how perfect it is. Sometimes they remember something you tought for sure they would have forgotten. Sometimes a kind email can come in unexpectedly but also at the most perfect time ever.

I've been going through some really hard times these past few months & the ways my friends have pulled through for me has been impressive. I'm deeply touched by the support and generousity I have been given. I've always known friendship was an amazing thing but now I know just how valuable of a gift it really is.

Hello World

I started on a quest to find a new place to blog my thoughts. I asked around for suggestions as to where I should blog & the winner was Blogger so here I am.

I'm sure if your reading this that you already know all the basics about me. 27, Rhode Island, Married, Kason, works in her Pj's for her mom's ebay company, reality tv junkie, chatterbox..ect. So I'm going to tell you some things you may not know about me & get this blog party started.

* I'm eating nacho cheese doritos & drinking a coke as I type this. It's one of my most favorite combo's in the world. Yes, I know how many calories it is & I don't care. I like it & it makes me happy.

* I'm obessed with Live Music. I love feeling the rush & the passion & just being part of something great. I don't care if it's at a sold out arena with my friends or just my husband & I listing to an indie or cover band at a bar. I love it all. It would take me days to create a full list of how many concerts I've been to. If I could put all the money I've spent on concerts into a jar I'd probably have a decent down payment on a car.

* I love being a mom. I always knew I'd be good at it but I never could have ever imagined how amazing it feels. I feel blessed. I am thankful for my amazing husband & all the hard work he does so that I can be home spending all of my time with our son.

* I am phobic of Mayo. I refuse to touch the jar. I won't look at a person if they are eating something with it. If I do happen to see it I will get sick & it won't be a pretty situation.

* My dream vacation would be to go to ST. Lucia with just my husband & I. 2nd to that would be a cruise with a good group of friends. It does not matter where we'd go.

* I'm doing the Project 101 in 1001 & I'm actually doing a pretty good job keeping up with my list.

Sadly, Kason needs me so that will have to be it for my first entry. I promise I'll try to make my entries as entertaining as possible!