Hope Within Chaos

Saturday Night was a night I had been looking forward to for weeks. I had my dress, made sure my husband could be with my son, worked my butt off to finish all my projects for work & was super excited to go out on the town. The plan was to go to Plymouth, Ma to go to dinner & and dancing with a group of girls for our friends birthday. Everyone was excited so how did I end up in the middle of the street telling my friends I wanted to be hit by a car?! Of course I wasn't serious, was I? Probably not but in that moment I realized for the first time why someone could be brough to that point.

Let's start with earlier in the day. We went to visit my son. He's on this steriod treatment which is pretty much our only hope of getting him home within a month. If this does not work we are most likely looking at a 6+ month NICU stay. He's been doing amazing with the treatment so we've been impressed. In walks the doctor. He tells us he's not all that impressed at all. He seems to think we should start coming to terms with/accepting our son is going to be there even longer. We've done well--considering he's been there 3 months. I give all the credit to a good support system & marrying the right person but exhaustion is kicking in. We're tired, losing hope & fighting over the smallest of things. We need a break. Even after this blow...I remained hopeful for a good night.

It's 5:30pm & the girls & I are stuck in traffic right near my house. We're complaining on how it's going to make us late since there is no end in sight. My phone rings & it's my brother.. He asks where I am. I tell him in traffic & he's like "have you talked to mom?". My first reaction is panic for my grandmother (mom's mom) who's got severe alzhimers & was told she's got weeks to live since she can't even remember to swollow. Instead he tells me that my mom was part of the 4 car crash that is holding us up. He's almost at her but he has no idea if she's hurt or the damage because when she called him she was panicked & not making sense. We sit in traffic--me freaking out--for a half hour more before getting to the scene. We see the cars (totaled) but not my mom. Brother calls to say she's got bumps and brusies and is sore but she's okay. I talk to her & she's emotionally a mess but otherwise okay. She tells me to go on with my night as planned. I do.

1 Lady Gaga cd later we're at our destination. We're walking to the resturant when my dad calls. My parents are divorced so I know he's clueless as to the car accident. I answer & he tells me he's calling to let me know my grandmother (his mom) got rushed to the hospital & is admitted. She's having issues breathing. All of this was too much for one day. I see the street. I see my friends & I decide that even after all the looking forward to I'd done for this night---the street & being hit by a car was a better idea.

Thankfully, friends come to the recuse with hugs & support. There's a lot of talk of my adorable son & how much he needs me. There's the promise of dinner & a good night ahead. I shake it all off and put myself in their hands. 2 hours & a few margarita's later I'm down at the famous Plymouth Rock singing the Fraggle Rock theme song. 2 hours after that I'm dancing with friends and strangers having a blast.

On the drive home I realize that looking at everything is extreamly overwhelming. When I think of each piece indivdually it seems so much more bareable. I don't feel guilty that I had a great night. I give myself credit for staying the moment & allowing myself to live my own life with little regret. Despite all the hard things going on right now I'm still standing. I guess I'm far stronger than I give myself credit for---and I find small hope in that.