This week has been a total emotional rollercoaster. Kasons progress has been fantastic but he'll be coming off the steriods he's on tomorrow & the doctors fear that he'll be back to his old ways. I am trying to stay as positive as possible. We can see the light at the end of the tunnel from where we are now. If his condition goes back to where it was (or even worse) once he's off of them I'm really not sure how we'll be able to deal. This whole experience is taking its toll on me mentally & physically.
Since he's doing better for the first time it actually hit me that no matter how long this feels or lasts--it's not going to be forever. Eventually we'll have our son home & a normal life. Of course we Knew that--but the longer you stay in the NICU the harder it is to see the end. Life there just becomes the norm. It was nice to think about our son eventually being normal.
On top of all the madness neither of my living grandparents are doing well. It makes me even more angry that Kasons sick. If he wasn't I'd have the time to go visit them more. I could bring him with me & they could each spend time with their only great-grandson. I honestly believe my moms mother won't live past when Kasons home. Now, I worry about my dad's mother. With both of them so sick...I could literally lose them within days of each other. I'm really close to them & that would just kill me.
It's so hard to find/keep faith when everything is piling up on me. People say God dosnt give us more than we can handle. I used to say that. I used to believe it. I'm pretty close to giving up. Locking myself in my room & just sleeping until the time comes that Kason can come home. I'm at that point where I keep throwing my hands up and saying "please take the wheel" but nothing seems to change or get easier. For the first time in my 27 years I'm doubting my faith & it sucks because nows the time I probably need it the most.
It's been a crazy/emotional/ tear filled week. I really don't have much planned for this weekend coming up or anything fun during the week. I hope I can find something even tiny to look forward to so I can pick myself up & keep moving forward.
Hang in there, Leah. It IS true God only gives us as much as we can handle. And as painful as it is to lose our grandparents, what a blessing that Kason is here. It's hard and heart-wreching but it's also beautiful when you think about the cycle of life. You'll get to raise Kason with all the wonderful things your grandparents taught you!
ReplyDeleteOh and also don't dwell on the fact that you might lose them soon (who EVER knows what will happen to anyone at any time!) but try to enjoy them while they're still on this Earth. And that doesn't mean you have to be there every second either. We all do the best we can with what we have. It will be okay, I promise!
I agree with Jamie... I know it's feeling pretty hopeless right now, but I think that's God trying to test your faith. I feel that way often. Hang on and don't give up, God is there for you and He loves you! <3
ReplyDeleteI also agree with Jamie and Jenny! You've been so amazingly strong through everything you're dealing with. Stay strong in your faith because God will help you through. It's so true that he doesn't give you anything you can't handle.
ReplyDeleteLeah, I remember when you were SO worried about Rob deploying and you weren't sure you were strong enough. You handled it like a champ and I'm sure it's just distant memory now. In the future, your struggles now will also be just a memory of the past. Hang in there, love! You have so many people cheering for you!